Wednesday, September 30, 2009


We got some possible bad news today..

Good news: no bone cancer.
Bad news: possible lung cancer.

The PET scan showed something in one of her lungs. It's in the bottom lobe (can't remember which lung), and it's small. It could be an infection. She hasn't met with her oncologist yet to get the results. She checked them out herself (she was an X-ray tech before she was diagnosed in 2006).. so now we must wait until Friday before she can get scheduled for a lung biopsy &/or additional testing.

So, we need your prayers!!!!! I have two specific prayer requests-- Obviously the first request is that it is just an infection and not cancer. However, it might be cancer, so I want to ask for additional help from God. If it is cancer, let's pray for speedy appointments! The quicker we can get in for the additional tests, the quicker she can start fighting this beast!!

Please, please, please!! I'm begging you! If you're a person that prays, please pray for my momma!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

8 steps back.

We haven't gotten my mom's results yet.

I've been feeling pretty good about myself today. So much so that I decided to weigh myself.


I've gained 8 pounds! This is crazy. I've been starving. Staying at 1200-1400 calories a day. Sure I haven't been working out, but that's no reason to GAIN 8 POUNDS!

The only thing I can think of is that I weighed in the middle of the day (with food in my stomach) instead of in the morning like I normally do. But did my morning oatmeal and about 24 oz of water REALLY weigh 8 pounds?

I've been on 16,934 diets in my life, so why am I so upset about this gain?

I might shut down my blog or at least stop blogging for a while. Perhaps I'm all talk and no action.

I hope everyone loses lots of weight while I'm gone!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Tomorrow's the day.

And I'm sooo nervous. Her appointment is at 11:30, so hopefully we'll find out the results by the end of the day.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Today's a new day.

Thank you all for your sweet comments on my last post. I really appreciate it. I wasn't really as down in the dumps as that post may have seemed.

Anyway, I've hardly eaten anything today. I've been wondering for the last couple of days if I have a mild case of swine flu. I live with my younger brother, and he is recovering from it. I thought I was doing soo well not catching it, because I got him all the way through it without feeling sick, but oh well.. If I do have it, I definitely don't have it as bad as he did. Poor boy was so sick! He was sleeping like 18+ hours a day, so I was waking him up every half hour when I wasn't in class to make sure he was getting enough fluids. Needless to say, I haven't been working out very much. Eh, I'm okay with that since I've done SO well staying in my daily calories. I should be pleased with my weight loss next week if I do get a work out in everyday.

So how do you guys work out in front of other people? I'm a little nervous about this.. I had to keep going over there to see if it was empty the few times I did go this past week. I know I shouldn't be embarrassed about it, hell, I could be sitting on the couch eating a bag of chips instead.. but I'm not.

If anyone happens to think about it anytime today or tomorrow, could you send up some prayers for my mom please? She has her PET scan on Monday.. Pray for no cancer! I can't tell if she's worried about it or not.. I tend to be the person in the family who does all the worrying! She seems pretty content with knowing that her tumor marker was normal, so she thinks it's just regular hip pain. But still.... at least we're about to find out one way or the other.

I can't believe this is Day 8, and I have not binged ONE SINGLE TIME. I haven't even had annoying cravings yet like I normally do (in the first hour of dieting! haha) I truly just decided that I cannot live another day as fat as this. I do not WANT to live like this anymore. My quality of life is crap, but it doesn't have to be! And the best part about it is.. it's my decision! It's all up to me!

Hope everyone is having a great day!

[Edit] I have decided to make two goals. I would like to lose 25 pounds before Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is my birthday this year, and I'd like to have lost a grand total of 35 pounds by then. Secondly, I'd like to lose an additional 25 pounds between Thanksgiving and January 16th. That would put me at around 180 pounds the day of my cousin's wedding. These goals will be a stretch, but how great will it feel if I reach them?

Current weight: 230 lbs
Thanksgiving goal: 205 lbs
January 16th goal: 180 lbs

That will be a 60 pound lost, and I won't look like (as big of a) hippo next to my skinny cousins!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Day 7.


I'm sick.

I'm tired.

I'm lazy.

And I'm just feeling crappy about myself.

I'm afraid of losing weight. What if I lose all this weight & am still shy? Still can't get any friends? Still can't find a boyfriend? I can blame all of it on my weight right now. If I can't blame it on my weight anymore, then it must be ME. It must mean that no one wants to be friends with ME because of ME. Not because I'm fat.

So how can I change myself into a person that people want to be friends with?

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Day 6.

Oh my goodness! I am so thrilled! I've lost 10 pounds! First of all, I should mention that I've actually been watching my diet for about two weeks, but I call this day 6 because I didn't start counting calories until 6 days ago.

The last few days have been pretty hard for me, I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to binge! I can't believe I've gone 6 whole days without fast food! That has to be a record for me-- at least since I've been in college! I think I've gained like 20 pounds a year all three years of college. That's just an estimate, but I think I weighed about 180 lbs before my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Monica's blog about 2009 & odd years being bad years for her family made me think about my own family. 2006 was the bad year for us. In March, my momma was diagnosed with breast cancer & my great grandma passed away. I didn't want to go away to school, because my dad works an hour away from our house & I didn't want my mom to be alone at the house while she was still doing chemo. Well, my grandma promised that she and my grandpa would come down all the time (they live about 70 miles away) , so I went ahead and went to school an hour and a half way. Not at KU (myyy dream school <3), but at Oklahoma State. After my first NIGHT at OSU, I woke up to a phone call.. never a good sign. It was my dad, he was given the awful task of calling to tell me that my grandma had passed away. My mom & my grandma are/were my best friends. We were all so close, so to have one diagnosed with cancer and the other passing away within 5 months of each other was just devastating. And so I ate, and ate, and ate.. and three years later, I'm still eating!! My mother has been cancer-free for 2 and a half years now :) However, she has been having some hip pain for a little while, so she has to have a PET scan next Monday to see if's cancer. I'm so so so so so so scared. If 'it' has spread to the bone, there is no cure. Hopefully, though, it won't be cancer. She had a mastectomy & they removed the lymphnodes under her arm. She had one positive lymphnode, so since they removed it.. the only way it could've spread is if a little cancer cell escaped without causing another lymphnode to be positive AND it survived her chemo.. unless of course she has cancer somewhere else. Her last mamogram was in March and no cancer in the remaining breast, so LET'S HOPE IT'S NOTHING!!!

I didn't realize how upset I am about it until I started writing. I don't know if I should've shared all of that on a weight loss blog, but it has caused me to gain quite a bit of weight.

Anyway, thanks for all the nice comments about my pictures! Hope everyone has a good day!

Embarrassing Before Pictures!

So, this is what 240 pounds look like on a 5 foot frame! These are bad pictures, but I haven't taken pictures of myself since I was like 15.. so this is a secret picture that my Grandpa took of me at the first football game of the season! On my facebook, I have exactly zero pictures of myself! Haha.. Oh well. I will be a picture taking diva after I lose this weight!!
Check back later for a real blog entry!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Day 5 & the Hot 100

Since today starts the last 100 days of 2009, I'm going to write some goals for the end of the year!

1. Don't Binge. This doesn't mean that I won't eat foods that I know aren't the best for me, but that I simply won't eat a HUGE amount.. Seeing as how I'm used to daily binges, this is going to challenge me.
2. Don't make excuses for working out. "I'm tired, I'll walk on the treadmill later..." No. I never work out "later".. everyday for the last 21 years has been a "later" or "tomorrow" excuse from me. I'm morbidly obese, and I might not even have a tomorrow. Today. Now.
3. Look in the mirror, everyday, and say OUT LOUD something that you appreciate about yourself. This goal has two purposes. The main reason is that I desperately need to raise my self-esteem. Secondly, I don't want to work so hard on my body, and not work equally as hard on my mind. WHEN (not if), I lose this weight, I want to be proud of my accomplishment. I don't want to still feel like a fat girl. I want to be able to wear all of the clothes that I've been dreaming about wearing! I don't want to always hide in the back of the room because I'm afraid of people seeing how much weight I've gained this time.. I want to be comfortable in my new body!!

10 things about me..

1. I have a brittle bone disease. I've broken close to 30 bones. Now you know why I can't work out super hard.
2. When I do work out, I often misread the "sore" feeling for pain, and it freaks me out.
3. I'm a huge huge HUGE fan of the University of Kansas athletics. :) Obsessed, really.
4. My cat is my best friend.. I absolutely looooove her.
5. I dated my best friend all four years of high school.. we broke up before graduation, and when he went to college....he came out of the closet. Yeah..
6. I desperately want to have children. Several.
7. I pretend that I want to have children MORE than I want to find my soulmate, but.. that's only because I don't know if I believe that he's out there.
8. I'm SUPER square. I hate to get in trouble.
9. I'd love to live in New York City for a little while. I'm a small town girl, and I'd like to experience big city living for just a little bit.
10. However, I'm way too cheap to pay an arm and a leg for a tiny apartment in the city. I really do belong in the Midwest.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Still Day 4. Can't stop blogging!

I just can't seem to stop blogging. It's quite fun.

I did manage to walk on the treadmill for a little over 20 minutes today, and I'm hoping to walk a little more after tonight's episode of The Biggest Loser. I love The Biggest Loser, but..... I tend to throw myself a pity party after watching it. I have a slight physical limitation that doesn't allow me to work out like I want to, so I guess it just gets to me when I watch everyone pull such big numbers on the scale.

I do think that this time I'm doing everything right. I'm not dieting, I'm truly changing my lifestyle.

I want to teach middle school science after I graduate. I haven't always had this dream-- I've changed many times (pre-med, accounting, etc). I absolutely love kids. You know what else I love? I love being in a class that I know where the students came from. Like, I want to find out where everyone is from, and then I try to figure out which school district I think better prepared their students to succeed in college. I know that not everything each student does is reflective of their k-12 school district, but A LOT is. I really want to prepare my students for the future. If not their future life, their future classes. (I'll admit there might be some classes you've had that you won't use in LIFE..)

So, why am I talking about teaching on a weight loss blog? Because I've been heavy my entire life, of course! And I want to change that for other children! Ohh, I've been daydreaming!! Here's the plan: first off, I have to get healthy myself. But then.. after I start teaching, I want to start a (free) after school program for the students. I realize that a lot of students ride the bus, so I'd probably have to plan enough stuff that I can keep the kids busy until their parents can come get them after work. We'd have an hour or so of fitness stations or some kind of activity, then learn about nutrition, followed up by a game of some sort. Hopefully, kids will learn how to be healthy while getting a work out in.. I think it would help everyone. Just think.. the kids will have gotten some of their after school energy out before they go home to their exhausted parents..PLUS.. middle school is a HARD time for kids-- so much teasing & bullying. The kids will work out, and their endorphins will help with their confidence & self-esteem. It might just make it easier for them. Maybe? Am I just dreaming?

Day 4.

Today isn't going to be an easy one.

I'm huuuuuuuuuungry. But I'm not giving in.

I decided to make some mini-goals. Here they are:

1. Get down to 205 pounds. At 35 pounds away, that's a goal I can see myself reaching. In reality, I'd like to be get-a-boyfriend-thin, but I'll settle for 205 pounds right now. :)

2. I'd like to work my way up to 60 minutes of cardio, 6 times a week. However, the key here is reach this goal without injury, so it's not a goal that I think should happen RIGHT NOW. If I can work out for 20 minutes a day for a week, then 30 minutes a day for a week.. eventually I'll meet my goal, and I can settle for 'eventually' for now.

Okay, that's all I've got. I'm sure I'll update later.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Day 3. Thinking out loud.

I haven't gone over my daily calories in the last two days. :)

It's 7:22. I didn't have to wake up until 8, but I couldn't sleep. You know what I should be doing? Walking on the treadmill, but my back is so sore from yesterday. I have a tendency to start dieting and working out, but pushing my body to a point that I can hardly get out of bed-- and so I quit. I'm going to pace myself this time. There isn't going to be a next time- this is it. If I fall off the wagon, I'll get back on. For the first month, I might not work out that much, but if I can watch what I eat.. it should be a success.

I'm feeling super positive right now. I'll take that!

My problem is what to eat-- I'm a poor college student. For instance, I'm trying to stay within 1400-1500 calories a day. It's easier to stay within that range than it is to find foods that I can eat AND afford. I'm a picky eater. I really don't like meat. Okay, I'll eat some. But with carbs, watch out! I'm a hardcore carb eater! So for the last two days I've eaten oatmeal, ramen noodles and a ham and cheese lean pocket (plus some fruits and veggies) I really have a hard time eating fruits, I usually buy some & let it go bad. So I've been drinking two servings of tomato juice which is about 100 cals. Not bad. I do okay eating veggies. I like to keep a cut up red bell pepper around to snack on between meals. I guess I should get some celery or broccoli or something. I'm not a fan of lettuce, so salad just isn't for me. I'm thinking I need to eat egg whites for breakfast & get some almonds or something to accompany my other meals for some protein.

All this talk about food is making me hungry.

I really need a hobby. I need something to occupy my mind..otherwise I tend to get depressed. Endorphins are my best friend! :)

Well, I'm off to get ready for the day. Hope everyone has a good day today!

Today has gone so well. I didn't work out, but I've eaten well. It's really exciting. I've been drinking lots and lots of water, and I really think it's helped me. I read somewhere that when you're dieting, you often think you're hungry when you're really just thirsty. Tis true, I believe! I really haven't had any cravings yet (knock on wood!) I think it's because yes I'm dieting, but I'm not eating grilled chicken and veggies for dinner.. I'm eating things that I enjoy, but just keeping my calories in check.

Sunday, September 20, 2009


Ohhhh, I'm SO HUNGRY!

So, I'm blogging so I don't think about it. Ha.

So, about my family, my immidiate family is overweight, too. Most of my cousins have been overweight at some point, but they all have managed to lose most of their weight. (and some are quite skinny now!!!) Anyway, I went to one of their weddings last year, and man oh man.. when those pictures came back-- I WAS HUGE! And so embarrassed!!!!

Well, it turns out that another cousin is getting married in January. The wedding was pushed up 5 months, so now I'm desperate to lose as much weight as possible before I have to take those pics!! Plus, I really want to wear something cute. I never wear cute clothes. I'm a jeans and tshirt type of girl, because I figure if I wear boring clothes, people won't look at me as much! But, this time, I want to have friendly conversations with all of my family members without being so embarrassed about them thinking "oh my GOSH, she has gained so much more weight!"

I just want them to get to know KATIE. The real person that I am... not just the person they know-- the shy girl who rarely speaks, who seems pretty awkward, and barely eats in front of us..but we KNOW the girl is eating!

I'm the forgetable one, you know? The one that no one thinks about calling when they go home for Christmas, the one that never gets facebook comments. No, this isn't a pity party, it's the truth. And a truth that hurts very much. I want to change it! I want to change so much. AND I WILL, because I can. I can control what goes into my mouth, and how much I work out. I can't control what my mind craves, but I can control what I give in to!

Starting a blog to create a new ME!


This isn't my first attempt at blogging, but it is the first time that I'm going to attempt to make friends in the blogging world!

Yeah, you guessed it-- this is a weight loss blog. I'm a 21 year old college student, and let me tell ya-- being fat in college SUCKS.

A little bit about me:

My name is Katie.
I'm fat, haha.
I'm a little over 5 feet tall.
And I weigh 240 pounds! OH MY GOSH!

But that is because of mistakes I've made in the PAST. And today is the first day of my FUTURE.

I'm extremely shy, and I have NO friends. Zero. Besides my family. I am terribly ashamed of being overweight. I stay inside my apartment, and never leave-- besides class, which I often skip out of embarrassment! I'm tired of living this way! I may be fat, but I'm human. And I deserve to be happy too! Right?

So, I hope to start searching all of the other weight loss blogs, and maybe gain a few friends along the way! We can do this together!